Operation Professor Padfoot
by Cheeky Slytherin Lass
Summary: A misunderstanding leads Sirius to believe that Remus has a type- mature, professor-like men. His peers come together to help him transform into the man he thinks Remus yearns for.


_For Camp Potter, Archery Week 3 (write about someone planning something)_

 _Written with love for Liza, Shannon, Bex, Lizzy, Jas, and Sam who inspired this Wolfstar weirdness._

 _Word Count: 8195_

* * *

"Say, James?" Sirius says as they walk through the corridor. "Have you noticed Remus has been spending a lot of time with Slughorn lately?"

James purses his lips in thought. Sirius waits for him to say that he's just imagining it. Instead, his best friend nods. "Now that you mention it, yeah. He says he's having trouble with Potions, but it's Remus. He never has trouble with anything."

Sirius doesn't know if he's relieved or disappointed by the confirmation. He sighs. "Exactly. You don't think… I mean, what if he fancies Slughorn?"

James snorts. "Sluggy? No way. But maybe he has a type," he suggests. "Slughorn has that whole mature thing going for him. Maybe Remus likes it."

Sirius ponders this. It makes sense. Remus, the boy with the cardigans, the boy who rolls his eyes at the silly, childish schemes that Sirius and James come up with. Of course he would have a type.

"You've got that look on your face," James notes. "Whatever you're planning, I'm in, no questions asked."

"James, get Peter. Emergency meeting," Sirius says with a nod of finality. "Operation Professor Padfoot has begun!"

"Just Peter?"

Sirius rolls his eyes. "Well, we can't very well invite Remus to listen to my plans to seduce him."

"Fair point," James agrees with a mock salute before dashing off.

Sirius shuffles along, tugging at his hair in thought. He will be the first to admit that he knows nothing about being mature. Really, James doesn't either. He only hopes that Peter can have something to go on.

…

James appears in the dormitory, Peter on his heels. "Unfortunately, Peter was the only one who wanted to help."

Sirius raises his brows. "He's the only other one I need," he points out, his features twisting into a mask of confusion. "Who else did you ask?"

The disappointment on James' face is almost amusing. He exhales in frustration. "Evans," he answers wistfully. "I asked her if she wanted to join me in our dormitory for a secret mission. She called me disgusting and stormed off."

"Wonder why," Sirius muses. "You would think she'd be the type to want to help a friend in need."

Peter rolls his eyes. "You should have thought that through more. The phrasing was a bit… off."

"Nah," Sirius says, shaking his head. "Lily just has a colder heart than we could have ever thought possible."

"That's my future wife you're talking about, Padfoot."

"Back to the point at hand!" Sirius says firmly. The last thing he needs is for his important mission to derail and for them to end up discussing Lily. That would have to wait for another day.

Sirius paces the length of the dormitory, wringing his hands together. This isn't just some clever prank. This is damn near life or death. He can't just approach the subject casually. He has to choose his words carefully.

"It has come to my attention that Remus Lupin, codename Moonpie, has a type."

"Do I get a codename?" James asks hopefully.

Sirius comes to a stop, studying his best friend for a moment. "Why would you need one?"

"To be fair, Remus gets one."

"Yes, well, he can't know we're talking about him," Sirius says. "Now, again. Moonpie. Type. It seems that type is older men. How do I be an older man?"

"Wait a few years?" Peter suggests, and Sirius isn't sure if he's being sarcastic or not.

"Not helpful," Sirius says sharply. "How do I look and act mature?"

"Sluggy wears tweed," James says. "Have you tried tweed?"

Sirius glances at his beloved leather jacket. It has become his signature piece over the years. He can't imagine trading it in for anything else, even if it would win Remus over. Still, that's the goal, and it's a sacrifice he'll have to make.

"Benjy has tweed jackets," Sirius says reluctantly. "I'll borrow a few."

"I'm not sure that tweed is the solution," Peter says quietly, but Sirius ignores his comment.

"Father lounges around in his house robe," Sirius says, tugging at a bit of his hair.

"Newspaper! Dad always reads the news," James offers.

Peter rolls his eyes, letting out a sigh. "I'm really not sure that-"

"I'll have the Prophet delivered in the morning," Sirius says, clapping his hands together excitedly. "Now. A robe."

…

Lily stares at him, heat flooding her face. "You what?" she asks, praying that she's misunderstood him.

Sirius offers her a grin as though it might diffuse the tension. Lily wonders if it ever works. Given how guilty it makes him look, she doubts it.

"I need your bathrobe," he says again. "You know. The thing you wear when you get out of the shower."

She doesn't even realize that she's slapped him until Sirius jerks away, rubbing his cheek. "Did Potter put you up to this?" she demands.

It's the sort of thing he would do, though she is surprised that he would send someone else to do it. After all, he had been crude enough to invite her to his dormitory for a _secret mission._

"Maybe I should explain first."

Lily purses her lips. She wants to walk away and never look at Sirius or James again, but, at the same time, she's curious as to what sort of ridiculous explanation he could come up with. "I'm listening."

"I… Well, James tried to get you to help us earlier. I'm trying to help Remus, and I need a house robe. Haven't got one, so a bathrobe will have to do."

She had hoped his explanation would offer her some sort of clarity. Instead, she's even more confused. Still, she softens at the mention of Remus. Remus has always been so kind. She's often wondered how the poor bloke had ended up with such a wild group of friends. "Let me think about it."

…

The next morning, an owl swoops down, dropping the Prophet in front of Sirius. Sirius opens it, taking a deep breath. News is terribly boring. He'd much rather read about motorbikes and things he actually enjoys, but he's willing to give it a chance.

"Did you just get a subscription?" Remus asks, spreading jam on his toast.

"Meant to do it ages ago," Sirius answers. "I, uh… I really need to keep up with the goblin stock exchange."

Across from him, James offers him a thumbs up. Peter just shakes his head and drags his fork across his eggs.

"Wow. I never knew you were interested in that sort of thing," Remus says, and Sirius wonders why he doesn't sound impressed.

"It's really important to keep up with the economy, Moony," Sirius says. "And other world events. Like…"

He scans the page, picking an article at random. "Madam Malkin is experimenting with velvet. Risky decision. Imagine if robe prices went up simply because of someone acting on a whim," he says grimly, shaking his head.

He waits. Surely Remus will praise him for being so concerned with the impact such a decision could have. Instead, Remus wipes crumbs away from his mouth, nodding. "Right. Well, I'd better go. Slughorn had some concerns with my potion I turned in," he announces, climbing to his feet.

Sirius sighs, slumping forward. "I should have borrowed the tweed jacket first," he decides. "Everything is more mature with tweed."

"You've got a point," James agrees, shaking his head. "We'll ask Benjy later."

"Have either of you actually ever successfully flirted with anyone?" Peter asks.

"I talked to Lily just last week, and she didn't yell at me," James says.

"I told McGonagall she looked lovely, and she only took away five points for not doing my homework," Sirius adds.

James extends his hand, and he and Sirius exchange high fives.

"That's never a good sign," Lily notes, joining them. "What have I walked in on? Actually, no. Please don't tell me."

"Evans!" James says brightly, a smug smile on his lips. "Have you finally come around? I knew it was only a matter of time before you'd succumb to my charm and good looks."

"Don't flatter yourself, Potter," she says, narrowing her eyes. "I'm here about Remus. You want to help him?"

"Of course!" Sirius says.

"I'd turn back now," Peter mumbles, and Sirius is grateful that Lily doesn't follow his advice.

"Is he in trouble? Or hurt?" Lily asks.

"It's his heart that's hurt. But he doesn't know it yet," Sirius says, his eyes still fixed upon the door Remus exited from moments earlier.

"Did something happen?" Lily leans in close, her eyes soft with concern.

"It's because he doesn't have me yet," Sirius explains quickly.

Lily raises her brows, and Sirius can see the immediate regret in offering to help him. Before she can take Peter's advice, he rushes in to explain the situation, his suspicions, and the basis of his plan. When he finishes, she still doesn't look convinced, but she hasn't drawn her wand to hex him, and Sirius takes that as a good sign.

"Will you help me?" Sirius asks.

Lily sighs deeply, pinching the bridge of her nose. "I already offered. May as well see it through," she says.

James puts an arm around her, grinning. "We have so much in common, Evans. Both selfless enough to help our friends when they need us."

"Remove your arm, or I will remove it from your body, Potter," she says sweetly before climbing to her feet. "I'll see what I can do, Sirius, but if he does have a thing for mature men, you've got a lot to work on."

With that, she goes to the opposite end of the table to rejoin her friends. James stares off after her, smiling like an idiot. "She wants me."

"Give it a month and you'll be planning your wedding together," Sirius agrees.

"Mate, I've been planning that since we were eleven."

…

Benjy is hesitant when James and Sirius approach him. They're nice enough blokes, but he's all too familiar with their love of pranks. The last thing Benjy needs is to get caught in the middle of some childish scheme.

"Can I help you?" he asks politely, though he can't help but to tense.

"I need one of your jackets," Sirius answers.

Benjy waits. Surely some stupid punchline will follow. After all, Sirius is notorious for his leather jackets. The rebellious look really works for him. Why would he want to trade his leather for tweed, if not to somehow make a joke or play a prank.

Neither Sirius nor James laugh. In fact, when Benjy searches their face for any subtle signs of them taking the mickey, he finds only sincerity. "Why do you need my jacket?" he asks, though he's already shrugging the one he's wearing off. If Benjy has learned anything from watching the rowdy Gryffindor boys, it's that staying in their good graces is the best plan of action. Benjy would hate to become the next victim of a ridiculous prank.

"I'm trying to win Remus' heart," Sirius answers.

"Fair enough."

Sirius hasn't exactly been secretive about his feelings for Remus. In fact, Benjy isn't sure how Remus hasn't noticed yet. It seems as though all of Hogwarts knows but the other boy involved.

Sirius hands James his leather jacket and pulls Benjy's tweed one on instead. "Do I look mature?" he asks.

"Jacket, yes," Benjy answers. "But the hair…"

Sirius reaches up, pushing a hand through his long mess of shaggy hair. "What's wrong with my hair?"

"Nothing! Nothing," Benjy assures him quickly. "But longer hair worn like that isn't exactly mature."

Sirius scowls. "I'm not cutting my hair."

James nods, ruffling his own short, messy hair. "Exactly. We can only have one stud with short dark hair in this group," he agrees. "I've owned that title for too long to give it up."

Benjy sighs, shaking his head. He wonders if the two of them are always this thick. "You don't have to cut it," he assures Sirius. "Pull it back. Maybe a ponytail? Bun? It would make you look more like a refined gentleman."

Sirius ponders this. He pulls his hair back, summoning an elastic and quickly tying his hair back. Benjy can't help but admit how nice the change is. Between the new hairstyle and Benjy's beloved tweed, Sirius looks mature, respectable.

"It's funny," Benjy says. "You almost look like a professor."

He doesn't know why the two of them high five, and he doesn't ask. Sometimes it's best not to know whenever James and Sirius are concerned.

"Thanks, mate," Sirius says before starting off. "I owe you one."

Curiosity gets the best of him. Benjy grabs James by the wrist before he can follow his best friend. "Why is he changing his look to impress Remus?"

James glances around. Satisfied that no one is around who might overhear him, he grins. "Remus has a type," he explains. "He likes mature men. I'd go so far as to guess that he has a thing for professors."

Benjy's eyes widen at this revelation. Remus has always been one of the most mature blokes at school. Maybe it shouldn't be so surprising that he wouldn't want to date people who aren't up to his level.

"I think I might have some things that can help with his transformation," Benjy says. "Let me see what I can do. I think Caradoc might be useful, too."

James grins. "Perfect! The more people in on this, the better!"

…

"What the hell is this?" Sirius asks, holding up the thing that Lily brings him.

"You asked for a bathrobe," she says. "I delivered."

Sirius frowns. It isn't what he had in mind, not by any stretch of the imagination. Still, it's better than nothing. He's sure that he can find a way to make it work. After all, a mature man can do anything. It's a luxury that comes with being cultured and wise.

"Are you wearing your hair in a ponytail?" Lily asks suddenly.

Sirius nods, grinning proudly. "Don't I look suave? See? Suave. That's a good, mature word. The old Sirius would have said sexy."

Lily rolls her eyes. Sirius can't help but be a touch offended that she isn't impressed by him. After all, he's worked hard on this.

She yanks the elastic out. "Try brushing it back first," she suggests, dragging her fingers through his hair to demonstrate. "It looks tidy. Messy ponytails are for those who overslept and don't have a chance to fix their hair."

Sirius winces as her fingers snag on a tangle. "Noted," he says. "Thanks, Evans."

"Don't mention it," she says, pulling his hair back and tying it up for him. "I'm probably going to regret helping you, especially if I have to be around Potter. But I'm already invested. Have you considered a pipe?"

"A pipe?"

She shrugs. "My grandfather smokes from a pipe. My uncle always offers him cigars, but he's too stubborn."

Sirius purses his lips in thought. His fingers tapping against the pack of cigarettes in his jacket pocket. Cigars. A pipe. Both of those are far more sophisticated. Cigarettes are juvenile, just something boys run around with to look grown up.

"I think you might be onto something," he says brightly. "Now, excuse me. I have a robe to change into."

…

"Prongs?" Remus says. "Have you noticed that Sirius has been acting a bit funny lately?"

James shrugs. "Funny? He's too mature for that."

Remus snorts. Mature is possibly the last word he would ever use to describe Sirius Black. "I'm not sure if we're talking about the same person," he says dryly.

"Of course we are," James insists. "There only one Sirius Black at Hogwarts, and he is easily the most mature, sophisticated, scholarly fellow you'll ever meet."

Remus starts to ask, but then he understands. It's all part of some joke. He doesn't know exactly what the endgame is, but it must mean a lot to the two of them. Remus decides he'll play along. "Right," he agrees. "Mature as anything."

The excitement in James' eyes is strange. Remus wonders what it's about, but he decides that it's best not to ask. They come to a stop in front of the Fat Lady.

"Dandelions," James says, and the portrait nods before giving way to the entrance behind her.

Remus goes in first, and he almost wishes he hadn't. Sirius lounges in front of the fireplace in what is unmistakably a woman's bathrobe. The thing is ridiculously plush and pastel pink, decorated with a bright array of flowers. Remus covers his mouth to keep from laughing. Apparently, Sirius thinks that he's being mature. Remus has to play along until he understands what the point is.

"Egads!" Sirius exclaims, rushing over. "Remus, dear chap! Corking to see you. You are looking absolutely darling today! Might I invite you to play a round of chess with me? It can be very stimulating for the mind, you know."

Remus shakes his head, trying so hard not to laugh. Somehow, he manages only an amused smile. "Since we did you play chess?"

"Ah, sweet Remus. You must realize that I am like an ice cube."

"Iceberg," Lily hisses.

"Yes. Iceberg. You only see some of me on the surface. But there is so much more to me than meets the eye. I happen to be brilliant at chess."

Remus purses his lips. He's surprised to see that Sirius has somehow managed to pull Lily into his big joke. He wonders how long she spent coaching him for that speech. Whatever Sirius hopes to achieve with this act, he's pretty dedicated. Remus is actually a bit impressed.

"Right. Well, uh, as much as I'd love to wax poetic about chess with you, uh, dear sir, I am afraid that I must retire to my chambers and throw myself into my potion studies," Remus says awkwardly.

The hint of disappointment in Sirius' eyes makes Remus wonder if his sophisticated jargon wasn't correct. Or, perhaps, Sirius is supposed to be the only one playing his little role. Remus shrugs. Whatever it is, Remus will have to try harder to understand what his own role in the whole thing is.

…

The next morning, Caradoc gestures for Sirius to come speak to him the moment Sirius exits his dormitory.

"Benjy told me about your predicament," Caradoc says. "Tough luck."

Sirius raises his brows, confused. Then he realizes James must have told Benjy, and Benjy must have told Caradoc. Of course. He supposes he doesn't mind. Transforming into a mature person isn't going to just happen overnight. It will take plenty of people helping along the way.

"Thanks, mate. But I sort of need to get to breakfast. The Prophet-"

"Yeah, yeah. I get that. There's more to looking the part than just wearing a tweed jacket," Caradoc chuckles, lifting a bag in his hands.

Intrigued, Sirius takes the bag and peers inside. Khaki slacks, nice collared button up shirts. Sirius looks up, impressed. "These are nice," he says.

"They're yours now. Wrote to my cousin," Caradoc explains. "He's about your build. Now, if I can help you with anything else, don't hesitate to ask."

"Thank you. I'd better change before breakfast. If this doesn't get Moonpie's heart racing, I don't know what will."

…

"Regulus?" Severus says. "Why is your brother behaving like more of an idiot than usual?"

Regulus glances up from his breakfast, eyes quickly resting upon his brother at the Gryffindor table. At least Regulus assumed that it's Sirius. The ponytail, tweed jacket, and collared shirt make him wonder if there's another Gryffindor who resembles his brother. The fact that he holds a newspaper and not some Muggle magazine about motorbikes only makes the whole situation more confusing.

"Your guess is as good as mine," he answers, taking a sip of pumpkin juice.

He's never seen Sirius like this before. Even their parents couldn't force him to dress up for their family portraits. Sirius would show up in his leather jackets and ripped jeans, puffing nonchalantly on a cigarette. Their parents always decided to just exclude Sirius from the portrait entirely.

"Does he know how ridiculous he looks?" Severus asks. "Just look at him!"

"I _am_ looking at him," Regulus says dryly. "Doesn't that tweed remind you of Slughorn?"

Severus' nostrils flare, his cheeks turning an angry scarlet. "That's it. It must be. Your idiot brother is making a mockery of our Head of House. I will put a stop to this!"

Regulus rolls his eyes, but he doesn't tell Severus that he's overreacting. Whatever Sirius' reason for his new look, it isn't Regulus' concern.

Still, his eyes continue to wander back to his brother. He can't help but wonder what Sirius is playing at. He doubts that he's trying to have a go at Slughorn.

He follows Sirius' gaze to entrance of the Great Hall where Remus stands, discussing something with Mary. Remus. Of course. Who else could make Sirius act like such a fool?

It still doesn't answer his question fully. Why would his brother change his appearance so drastically? Surely Remus doesn't find that stuffy sort of look attractive.

He turns his attention back to Severus who has reached the staff table. He watches in amusement as the older gestures at Sirius. Slughorn smiles, placing a hand over his heart.

Regulus laughs to himself. It looks like Severus' attempt to foil Sirius' plan has failed.

…

"What's this?" Sirius asks when Alice places a small package in front of him.

"You boys aren't the only ones who can break rules and sneak things in," she says with a proud grin.

Curious, Sirius opens the small box, smiling. Cigars. He's never actually tried one before, but he assumes that they'll be just like his cigarettes. "Lily told you," he guesses.

"She did. Who knew Remus would have a thing for professors?" she sighs. "It's scandalous!"

"Scandalous," Sirius agrees with a nod. "Which is why I have to be what he's looking for. Can you imagine what would happen if his secret got out? The things they would say about him!"

"Don't worry! We're being careful with the information," Alice assures him. "Only those who can help."

Sirius takes her by the hand. She's always been such a great girl, just as mischievous, just a clever as he is. "Thank you, Alice. Now, hurry along. Remus is coming."

With a salute, she walks away, joining Frank at the end of the table.

"What was that about?" Remus asks.

"Oh. That? Alice, lovely young lass. She was suggesting that I… I help tutor some first years! Those sweet, young souls need a wise figure to guide them, after all."

Remus studies him. Sirius waits for the praise. Again, he's disappointed. "What would you tutor them in? You always have to copy my notes."

"Transfiguration," Sirius says quickly. "Minnie thinks I'm such a bright young man. She's been asking me to tutor for ages. But I always told her that I had so much to do. Now, I realize that there's nothing more important than these sweet children's futures."

Still, no praise. Remus just watches him, brows raised. "Right. Well, good luck with that," he says. "I'm sure you'll be brilliant."

…

Horace waits until the students rise to leave the classroom. "Mister Black!" he calls. "A word, please."

Severus brought the matter to his attention over breakfast. Horace doesn't know how he hasn't noticed before. Sirius' outfit is almost a replica of his own. The only difference is that Horace hasn't worn a ponytail several decades.

"Yes, Professor?" Sirius asks, and Horace wonders if he's imagining the hint of annoyance in the boy's tone.

"I must say, dear boy, your outfit is…"

"Dapper? Mature?" Sirius suggests with a smirk.

Horace nods. "I like your style," he agrees. "Oh, if only I had wised up to the joys of tweed at such a tender age. It would have saved me quite a few embarrassments. Pinstripes in the 1920s were brilliant at the time, but looking at the old pictures makes me regret following the trends. Tweed… Tweed is classic. Tweed is forever."

"You, sir, are a man of impeccable taste."

Horace smiles to himself. It is so rare to find a young man who appreciates proper fashion. It's a completely different of brilliance. It shows a promise that even flawless grades couldn't touch.

"I'm hosting a party Saturday evening. It's quite exclusive, as I'm sure you know," Horace continues. "It would be an honor to have you there. Winifred Needleborn will be there, the head designer of Witch Trends. She would love to meet you."

"Will Remus be there?" Sirius asks.

Is that suspicion in his voice? Strange. Horace decides not to worry too much about it.

"You can invite whoever you'd like, dear boy."

Sirius claps his hands together. "Brilliant. Absolutely smashing. Well, my good man, I shall see you then! And might I say that your bow tie is marvelous. Where might I find one?"

"Do you like it? I have one in grey that might suit you nicely."

…

"A bow tie?" James asks as they meet by the fountain after Potions. "Why didn't we think of that?"

Sirius shrugs, adjusting the bow tie nervously. He feels silly to have not realized how essential such an accessory was. "Sluggy said it would suit me," he says. "You don't think he chose a color that clashes because he knows I'm his competition, do you?"

James takes a step back, his eyes moving over Sirius' outfit. He frowns, shaking his head. "No idea how color coordination works," he admits with an apologetic shrug. "Evans! Oi! Evans!"

Lily scowls but walks over, Alice and Marlene close behind. "What, Potter?"

"You don't think Slughorn gave Sirius a bad color because he knows Sirius is trying to get Remus' attention do you?"

Marlene covers her mouth. "He knows that you know?" she gasps. "What if he really tries to move in on Remus?"

Peter groans. "Has anyone actually thought of asking-"

"I don't think Slughorn is the type," Sirius says. "He seems more likely to just admire someone from afar. But that doesn't mean he wouldn't sabotage my efforts."

Peter exhales deeply. "That's it. I'm out. I don't know why it's taken me this long to realize it, but Remus is the _only_ person in this group that has any common sense!" he says, throwing his hands up in frustration. "Enjoy making a fool of yourself! If you start to see reason again, let me know."

Sirius watches as his friend storms off, frowning to himself. "Well, now who are we going to get to spy on Remus?"

"We'll get to that later. Bow tie. Ladies, does the color work for him?" James asks.

"It matches your eyes," Lily says.

Alice purses her lips, studying him for a moment. She reaches out, straightening the tie. "The old Sirius wouldn't care if it was crooked. You have to think like the mature Sirius now," she reminds him.

"Color is fine," Marlene agrees. "Just make sure it's aligned properly, and you're golden."

Sirius nods, relieved. "Now. About Peter," he says.

"Don't worry," Lily says. "We'll get him back. In the meantime, we'll have Mary keep an eye on Remus."

…

Peter shakes his head. He wants to walk right up to Remus and tell him what's going on. He doesn't. He can't.

What if, unlikely as it is, Sirius is right? What if Remus does fancy Slughorn, or, at the very least, have a thing for older men? He can't imagine how embarrassed his friend would be if confronted with that.

He wonders if there is a way he could hint at it, subtly suggest it. Then again, Peter has never been great with subtlety. He's always relied on the others to tiptoe around subjects. Peter has always lacked that tact and grace.

"Peter! Thank God," Remus calls, jogging over to him.

"I'm not doing anything! Nothing weird!" Peter says, blushing.

Remus raises his brows. "Right. Okay… Look, do you know why Sirius has been acting so weird?"

"Weird? Weird how?"

"The clothes, the stuffy language, talking about the goblin stock exchange," Remus says.

Peter swallows dryly. Maybe he should have stuck with Sirius and James. He doesn't do well when confronted alone. "No. I don't know anything," he says, his voice squeaky. "Why would I know anything?"

Remus shrugs. "I feel like it's part of a joke, but I can't for the life of me work it out."

"Well, he does look nice, doesn't he?" Peter suggests, and he isn't sure why he says it. He's distanced himself from this ridiculous act. He doesn't need to collect information.

"I suppose he does," Remus agrees, frowning as though he's just noticed something. He shakes his head. "Anyway, if you figure out the joke, let me in on it, yeah?"

"Yeah. Of course."

…

Sirius tries the cigars in the common room, much to the annoyance of his fellow Gryffindors. He can sometimes sneak a cigarette in without notice if he sits close enough to the fireplace, but there is no denying the putrid smoke from the cigars.

"These are…" Sirius turns his head, gagging a bit. He had been so sure that he can handle a cigar, but he realizes how very wrong he was. "Merlin! I think I might actually be dying."

"Would a mature man say 'Merlin'?" James ponders.

Sirius considers this for a moment as he bites on the unlit end of the cigar. "You're right. Let me try again. Great Scott, good fellow! I do believe I am soon to expire!"

"Much better," Alice says with a giggle.

"Maybe don't pull too hard when you smoke?" Frank suggests with a helpful smile. "Just sort of… Puff, puff, puff. Gently."

Sirius nods to himself, studying the cigar. It shouldn't look so intimidating, but it does. Even if a few minutes has passed, his throat still stings, and he can still taste the thick smoke that still lingers. He takes a deep breath, turning quickly so no one notices the way his body shudders at the effort as cool air washes over his tender, painfully dry throat.

He checks that the cigar is still lit and tentatively puts the unlit end to his lips. Bracing himself, he puffs one quick, gentle time and exhales a cloud of smoking, nodding. It's much different from his cigarettes, but he thinks that, with patience and practice, he can manage it.

"See?" Frank says, clapping politely. "You look refined! A proper gentleman now!"

Sirius beams, taking another puff. Yes, he really might be able to do this. "Oh. There's Remus!" he says urgently. "Run along, children."

James, Alice, and Frank scatter quickly, but Sirius notices them still watching him as Remus approaches.

"Is that a cigar?" Remus asks.

Sirius nods, puffing once again. "It is. Fine tobacco imported from Turkey," he says. "No more cigarettes for me! I am a man of good taste, dear Moony. Only the best for me."

Remus stares at him, lips pulled into a thin line. "Right. Well, it smells awful," he says. "Really, Padfoot, what the hell has gotten into you?"

"Oh, I'm sure that I have no idea what you are talking about," Sirius says, ashing the cigar before allowing himself another puff. "I'm still the same lovable chap you knew and loved. I have simply decided to dig deep and search my soul to become the _man_ that I am deep inside."

Remus nods, but he doesn't look convinced. Sirius groans. What's it going to take for him to see? Sirius has done everything he can to be what Remus wants. "If you insist," he says, patting Sirius' shoulder. "I'd better go. Slughorn gave me some remedial work to do."

"So, you're still having issues with the class?" Sirius prompts.

"I'm getting there," Remus laughs.

"Ah, bright as you are, you won't need Slughorn much longer. Speaking of, he's invited me to one of his Slug Club parties this weekend."

Remus' eyes widen. "You?"

"Why the surprise?"

"I mean, you always made it sound like you thought the Slug Club was ridiculous," Remus reminds him.

"Yes, well, as I searched my soul, I realized that Slughorn is quite benevolent. He offers such wonderful opportunities," Sirius says, puffing the cigar. "Hogwarts needs more professors who are concerned with the future of their students."

"I suppose. Well, I really must be off."

Sirius catches Remus by the wrist as he starts off. "I was wondering if you might like to accompany me."

"Sure. I mean, I'm not doing anything anyway, so I don't see why not."

"Excellent. Lily! Lily! Fetch me a planner so that I might mark this important date!"

Lily rolls her eyes, but he notices her jot something down on the parchment.

"Well, enjoy studying Remus. The mind is the greatest weapon a young lad can have."

Remus nods and wanders off. Almost immediately, Lily and James takes his place.

"He said yes?" Lily asks, grinning.

"He did!"

"Did you actually clarify that it's a date?" James asks.

"Well, sophisticated men don't actually call them dates," Sirius points out.

"You aren't actually sophisticated," Lily reminds him. "You're just pretending to be."

Sirius waves a dismissive hand. She has a point, of course, but he doesn't have to acknowledge it. The important part of any role is not acknowledging that it is, in fact, a role. He must be the mature, sophisticated bloke that he pretends to be, even when Remus isn't around, lest he falls out of character.

…

"Potter?"

James can't fight the hopeful smile that plays at his lips when Lily calls out to him. She may not want to admit it, but she has grown fond of him. He can tell by the way she hasn't called him a toad or threatened him with any sort of harm. "Yes, my precious flower?"

She scowls, and he quickly offers her an apologetic smile. Perhaps he shouldn't push his luck so much. He clears his throat. "I mean, what is it, Evans?"

"Better," she says, and James knows that he isn't imagining the hint of a smile she offers him. "I sometimes attend Slughorn's parties, you know."

He nods. He's always known how brilliant she is, so it wasn't a surprise when Slughorn invited her to his prestigious little club. "I'm aware."

"I was invited this weekend too. I can keep an eye on Sirius and make sure he doesn't make a fool of himself," she says, pausing to wring her hands together and take a deep breath. "I suppose it wouldn't be terrible if you went with me."

"Evans, are you asking me out on a date?" he asks, his tone half disbelief, half hope.

Lily shrugs. "Think of it as a trial," she says. "If I don't try to curse you before the night is over, then maybe you aren't as bad as I thought."

"For the record, exactly how bad do you think I am?"

He thinks it's a fair question. She could think he's just annoying, or she could think that he's disgusting like Snape, the idiot who used that vile word against her. He needs to know exactly how low she has set the bar for him.

Lily rolls her eyes. She pats his cheek. "Just don't be an idiot. Surely even you can manage that," she chuckles.

And then she's gone. James still wears a dopey grin when he enters his dormitory and sits on Sirius' bed. "Looks like things are working out perfectly for both of us," he sighs.

Sirius high fives him. "Brilliant! Soon, we shall both seal our destinies."

…

"Chocolate for breakfast?" Sirius asks. "Have you even eaten a vegetable today, Remus?"

James leans in. "Mature," he whispers. "Not fatherly."

Sirius clears his throat. "I just mean that vegetables are important. Not trying to be inappropriate or anything about it."

Remus takes another bite of his chocolate bar. "Just craving something sweet."

Sirius blushes. He longs to make a joke, to tell Remus that he has something sweet for him. But he cannot break character. He has to maintain his maturity. "Just be mindful of it. Too much will make you fat."

Lily reaches over, smacking Sirius upside the head. "Idiot," she hisses.

"I just mean-"

"Well, this is awkward," Remus says, climbing to his feet, finishing up the chocolate in one last bite. "I might be back when it's a little less weird."

When Remus leaves, Lily rounds on Sirius. "Did you really tell him chocolate would make him fat? Tell me that James put something in my coffee, and I just imagined that," she says.

"Don't mature people worry about health?" Sirius asks, raising his hands defensively. "It seemed like a valid point!"

Lily opens her mouth but quickly closes it again. She takes several deep breaths, curling her fingers inward to form fists before relaxing her hands again. "Try not to take this the wrong way," she says gently. "But you're an idiot."

"You really are," James agrees.

Sirius looks at his best friend, scowling. He can't believe that James would betray him like that. Whatever his feelings for Lily, it's hardly fair for him to side with her. Outnumbered, he sighs and slumps forward in defeat. "Fine. I will not mention health again," he decides. "This act is so hard! There's not just one way to be mature!"

In the early stages of planning, it had seemed like such an easy task. He'd swoop in, the epitome of mature masculinity. Remus would swoon and ask Sirius to recite sonnets for them as they strolled along the lake. Sirius would have to actually figure out what a sonnet was, but still. It should have been simple.

The longer he carries on, however, the more he realizes that it's anything but. Everyone has some suggestion or another. _My father does this. I think my uncle likes to do that. Just last week, Dumbledore said he enjoys this._ It's confusing, and everything blurs together into some great mess.

Still, he can't just give up. Something is bound to strike Remus' fancy. Something probably already has, but he's just too shy to admit it. He will keep this up somehow. Remus will fall in love, and everything will be worth it.

…

"You there! Peter!" Regulus calls.

The plump boy comes to a stop. He turns nervously, letting out a squeak when his beady eyes lock on Regulus.

"You know what my brother is up to, don't you?" Regulus asks, stepping closer.

Peter looks away quickly. Though he doesn't answer, Regulus can see the admission written clearly on his face. "Your brother? I, uh… Haven't the faintest idea what you're referring to."

Regulus snorts. "Please. My brother is an idiot. It's clear that he's up to something. Mind telling me what it is?" he asks. "Whatever our differences, I worry about Sirius. I can't have him making a fool of himself just to impress a boy."

Peter begins walking again, his pace quickening. Regulus smirks. So, he had been right. Sirius' sudden affinity for tweed and ponytails has to do with Remus. But what?

"Go on. What is it? I could help him, you know," Regulus insists, easily catching up to the Gryffindor.

"Well… Sirius reckons that Remus has a thing for older men. Well, maybe not older men. But, I mean, he may have a type," Peter admits, keeping his eyes straight, blatantly avoiding eye contact with Regulus.

Regulus doesn't know what's funnier- the fact that his brother is trying to present himself as an older man, the fact that Remus likes mature men, or the fact that Peter is scared to even look at him.

"So, they've been trying to make Sirius seem mature. Sort of like a professor."

"Sort of like Slughorn?" Regulus asks, trying not to laugh. Really, this gets better and better. "Has anyone actually asked Remus if he likes that?"

"I suggested it! No one wanted to listen to me!"

Regulus rolls his eyes. Of course his brother wouldn't think to ask. He likes grandeur too much to waste even a second on practicality. Now, Regulus does laugh.

"That's all I need to know," he says before turning and leaving Peter behind.

Really, Sirius is the biggest idiot he's ever met. This could have been so much easier for him, but he wanted to go to the extreme. "He really is lucky that I'm watching his back," Regulus muses.

He'll get this sorted before everything gets too out of hand to take back.

…

Sirius doesn't ask where Alice found a group of willing first years. By now, he's stopped questioning her ability to do anything.

"Now remember!" he says. "Keep your elbows loose as you wave your wand. That's the key. Too stiff, and you might end up changing your toe into a needle."

The first years giggle, but they follow his advice. Even Sirius is surprised to see how well it works.

"You weren't kidding about tutoring," Remus says, and he finally sounds impressed.

Sirius wants to kick himself. He should have realized. Maybe it isn't necessarily the look that Remus is attracted to. Maybe it's what professors do best. Maybe it's the teaching and empowering minds. In retrospect, he could have saved himself a lot of trouble.

"I wasn't," he confirms. "There's nothing more rewarding than teaching young minds the things they need to know to succeed."

"Sirius is the best!" a little Hufflepuff girl squeals as she successfully transfigures her button into a sewing needle.

"He is pretty cool," Remus agrees.

Sirius smiles to himself. _Cool._ It isn't the compliment he would most like to hear, but it's a tremendous start.

"Perhaps you'd like to accompany me when I'm done," Sirius offers. "I was pondering a refreshing stroll around the lake."

"I have to get ready for that Slughorn party tonight, remember? But maybe another time."

Sirius swallows dryly, nodding. "It's a date," he says, and he hates how tight and strained his words sound.

…

"Do you like older men?"

Remus stops abruptly. He turns in confusion, finding himself face to face with Regulus Black. "I'm not sure that matters since you're younger," Remus says gently, hoping that he can ease the blow of rejection if he keeps his tone light.

Regulus rolls his eyes, clearly not impressed with this answer. At least he doesn't look disappointed. "I'm not asking for myself. Nothing against you, but you're hardly my type."

Remus relaxes, visibly relieved. "Well, that seems a bit personal, don't you think?"

"My brother seems to have it in his head that you like older men. Professor types," Regulus explains.

"He… I'm sorry, what?"

But even as Remus asks, the pieces seems to fall into place. Trading leather for tweed. Those obnoxious cigars. Talking with such a pompous air. He has no idea what could have given Sirius that idea.

"I don't know. I have my sources," Regulus says, shrugging. "He's acting like a fool to impress you. Do you find it attractive or not?"

Remus considers. Sirius has always been cute. The leather and rebellion always worked so nicely with him. But the change is nice as well. There's something about Sirius acting so refined. And maybe the tweed is rather attractive.

"Judging by the shade of red you've turned, I'm guessing that you didn't even know you had a type until now," Regulus muses, a smug grin playing at his lips. "This is brilliant. Did Sirius actually manage to do something right by mistake?"

Remus looks away quickly, tugging at his cardigan. None of it makes sense. Where did Sirius get this idea from? How did he manage to get so many people in on his ridiculous scheme? Why did Remus not realize how much he liked it until now?

"If you'll excuse me, I, uh… I have things to do."

"My brother is hardly a thing," Regulus teases.

Remus hurries off, pushing a hand through his hair. Even Regulus knew. James, Peter, Lily, Marlene, Alice. Did the entire castle know before Remus finally figured it out?

…

It feels amazing to wear his leather jacket again, and even more so to have his hair down and free. Sirius feels so much more like himself now.

"What happened to the tweed?" Lily asks, and Sirius is surprised to see her clinging to James' arm.

He knew that Lily invited James, but he didn't expect to see them get so close so soon. Sirius smiles. Good. James has been crazy about Lily for years. It was nice to see things work in his favor for once.

"Maturity isn't what you wear," he says. "I realized it today. It's not the tweed and ties that Remus finds sexy. It's the mind. The way he looked at me while I helped those kids… That was the key all along."

"Sorry I'm late!" Remus calls, skidding to a stop.

He looks at Sirius. Disappointment. That is definitely disappointment in Remus' eyes.

"Something wrong?" Sirius asks.

Remus clears his throat. He looks from Lily to James, then back at Sirius, his cheeks a deep pink. Lily seems to take the hint. "I'm starving," she says, pulling James along. "Come on, Potter. Let's see what they have to eat in here."

"You got rid of the tweed," Remus says when they're alone in the corridor.

"I didn't think you actually noticed it."

Remus' blush deepens. "I didn't. Not really. Not until your brother pointed out that it was for me."

Sirius takes a step back. Regulus? How did Regulus even know what he was up to? More importantly, why was Regulus the one who helped Remus to realize? Right surname, wrong brother. Sirius tries not to take offense, but it does sting a bit.

"I thought it wasn't the clothes," Sirius says, shuffling his feet nervously. "I thought it was my mind. When I was tutoring-"

"You were brilliant," Remus reassures him quickly. "That's what made me really pay attention. But, now that I think about it, the tweed was a nice touch. And the cigar. And the newspaper. I may or may not have a fetish."

Sirius finds his confidence again. He no longer has to play his part. Remus loves his mind. The look and everything else are just bonuses. He can be himself again.

Sirius leans closer, placing his palm against the wall behind Remus, cornering the other boy. "You know, fetishes have a place," he says smoothly.

"Where's that?" Remus asks, rolling his eyes.

"Same place you belong. In my bed."

"Professor Padfoot, how bold of you," Remus laughs.

"Let me slip into something tweed, and I can show just how bold I am."

Remus presses closer to him, and Sirius loses his control. He kisses Remus hungrily, grateful that he no longer has to keep up an appearance.

"Maybe not out in the open," Remus murmurs. "A certain look is enough of a fetish. Let's not add exhibitionism to it."

…

James still feels giddy as he and Lily return to the common room later that night. He's not an expert on reading her emotions, but he'd guess that the night went pretty well.

"Still wonder where Remus and Sirius disappeared to," Lily says.

James shrugs. "I don't mind. At least I got to spend time with you."

Lily grins, pushing him gently. "I'd almost think that you three planned it," she laughs.

"We'll have to get together again. Soon," James suggests.

Lily starts to answer but quickly stops, her eyes focusing on something on the stairs. James follows her gaze, surprised to find Peter sitting there, looking thoroughly miserable.

"I'm scared to go back up there," Peter mutters. "I can't unsee it."

James and Lily exchange looks. "I should go check," he suggests.

"I'll make sure Peter is okay," she agrees.

James opens the door to their dormitory and steps inside. He smells sweat and cigar smoke, and he understands. One quick glance at Sirius' bed is all the confirmation he needs. Sirius is sprawled out, and James suspects that he's wearing nothing else but that tweed jacket. Remus curls up beside him, his head resting on Sirius' chest, eyes closed. Both wear tired, satisfied grins, even as they sleep.

James ducks outside again, laughing. "They're done," he assures Peter. "Evans, I'd invite you up, but there are some things that a woman shouldn't see. Hell, I wish I hadn't seen it."

"Agreed," Peter mutters, shaking his head.

James snorts and kisses Lily on the cheek. "Until next time."

As he returns to his dormitory and crawls into bed, James smiles to himself. When Sirius first told him the plan, James thought it was just a laugh. Nothing would ever come from it.

He's not upset to be proven wrong. Thanks to one giant misunderstanding and one big mess, Sirius got the boy, and James got the girl.

Still grinning, he closes his eyes. Maybe this was a better idea than any of them could have ever thought possible.


End file.
